[Gripping Pneus]

We keep four chickens in our front garden. One has been broody for about ten days and would not leave the hutch despite all coaxing etc. So - SWMBO comes home today with three fertilised eggs to put under her. We have adjusted our minds to accommodate the arrival of chicks.

Within ONE HOUR on our neighbour's side, a man with a petrol-powered hedge trimmer started on the boundary hedge two metres from the hutch. The broody bird was scared s*****ss and fled. Typical!

 

[Gripping Pneus]

or my pet favourite - anemone.

For all TV nature programme presenters (with few exceptions) the "m" is in the Middle..

 

[Gripping Pneus]

I always thought that motorised vehicles were not allowed on pavements. The scooter could be used on the road tax free but would need to be registered.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

Step daughter again! Too lazy to learn to drive so uses long-suffering Mum as a taxi service to the railway station for morning commute. Today they arrive at the station and s.d. has left her mobile 'phone behind !!! Shock horror omg help!! Mum refuses to go back and get it as there is only 8 minutes before the train leaves, so no time and she would then inevitably have to drive s.d. to work - a one and a quarter hour round trip in rush hour traffic - with of course no thanks or offer of reimbursement for time and expense. We have been down that road many times.

So . . . s.d. has a proper hissy fit, the full works, tears, tantrums, shouting, accusations of not caring, foot-stamping and refuses to get out of the car. Everything in fact except "I'll scweam and scweam until I'm sick". The true awfulness of not having her 'phone was really hitting home. She hasn't looked up from it for ten years. Mum gets out of the car and walks around the car park until the hysterics have died down. S.d. then asks "what will I do on the train?" "Look out of the window at the lovely countryside or buy a magazine and read it, or just think".

We shall see this evening what effect her first non-gorming day has had. It must be odd to see the world for real rather than through a screen.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

And another thing. . . I have just discovered by her unmade bed, another full glass of fresh fruit juice. Every night she pours out a glass-full and then only takes one sip. The hotel of mum and dad is clearly not supplying juice of good enough quality for the guest's taste. Must try harder.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

Done Gordon! We will deliver her tomorrow. P.m. address please. (Actually I think Mark50 knows where you live . . )A spell in boot camp is just the ticket.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

So how did she survive without the virtual world of a phone?

News Bulletin - latest. She was re-united with her 'phone at lunchtime as SWMBO delivered it to her. Only a 14 mile detour this time, and all in the interests of family harmony (!). In the meantime s.d. had had a massive row with two of her work colleagues so I suppose reality broke through into her virtual world and she actually saw things. In the evening, my wife was rewarded by a further unbelievable display of selfish arrogance which triggered another family cold war. S.d. has now returned to her normal abode and will not be seen at Chez Pneus for a couple of weeks.

Praise Dawkins that I don't have to manage an all female environment where (in my lifetimes working experience) this type of thing is the norm. [exits left, ducking and running]

 

[Gripping Pneus]

You are allowed to cross double white lines - and by inference overtake on the left - to pass "an obstruction".

 

[Gripping Pneus]

That's one thing I never complain about, every school report said "must improve spelling", along with spell checkers.

That reminds me of the day when a pool typist (female) at my workplace returned a letter with "floppy disk" spell-check altered to "floppy dick". The ribbing lasted for months.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

I offered to show her the kitchen...

Bandages should be off by Christmas...

"No one owns life but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death" - William S. Burroughs.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

Cornwall for me Gus spent many a happy holiday there especially out of season staying at our friends place just above Praa Sands and my memories are of walking along the coast top in a high wind seeing the sea below us crashing onto the rocks now at the age of 75 I doubt if I will ever see it again , and I suppose like everything else in life it will have changed, I doubt like most things now not for the better.

Don't be a plonker Peter - get down here! Slot car racing every other Wednesday evening at Praa Sands community hall, right where you describe having stayed. That's the only thing that has changed - there is now slot racing in the area. Nothing else has changed because that would cost money. The pub is still there and does excellent Sunday lunches.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

PM sent! This is certainly not a grumpy enough topic for here!

 

[Gripping Pneus]

I share the pedants' view, having been taught that there was a correct form of English but I appreciate that the language evolves so just have to grin and bear it. After all, we don't all speak like Shakespearian characters, so that is proof of the rate of evolution.

I console myself with the thought that the purpose of the language is to convey accurately the thoughts of the speaker. If that is achieved, then the communication has been successful, so if I don't understand what the yoof's are saying then their use of language is bad. I am also sure that is the precise purpose of the new words and phrases - to exclude old fogies like me. Now, can someone explain the new meaning of "random" please?

 

[Gripping Pneus]

I recently rang a number and received the voicemail message "this is xxx's ansafone, please leave a message".

Reply "this is yyy's ansafone. Can you please ask your master to call my master when convenient".

 

[Gripping Pneus]

No need for you to evolve further Gordon, I have just got a pair of these earphones with three alternative sized pairs of lug-hole rubber seals. I previously had the same problem.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

I don't like the idea of sanding the inside of my ears. Do you use an abrasive cotton bud?

 

[Gripping Pneus]

Petanque?

 

[Gripping Pneus]

There's another universe where things go. Many years ago I was working on my motorbike when I dropped a bolt. It was a specific bolt with the thread the wrong way. I looked everywhere but never found it. When I eventually moved house I emptied the garage, there wasn't a speck of dust ............................... or a bolt.

I recognise this! My physics teacher called it "The Law of the Perversity of Inanimate Objects".

In the same vein, when my youngest son was training to be an aircraft mechanic he dropped a small screw inside a jet engine. You only do that once.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

Searching high and low for an exhaust from the scaley mini, asked SWMBO have you vacuumed in here? No came the clinical reply..

Yep, I went through the whole bag and there it was.

I find this to be a very good way of retrieving lost parts - most of which I didn't even know were lost. Every few months I vacuum clean the workshop floor (whether it needs it or not!), tip the arisings into an ex school kitchen shallow aluminium baking tray and pass a magnet through the stuff. I must have saved pence over the years in small washers! The best finds were a couple of Taylormade pinions.

 

[Gripping Pneus]

I put $1.7m in my bank account and that dissapeared without trace too

Are you the mysterious "African Prince" of internet infamy?