thomas sent me some jokes this morning, which must mean he is bored with nothing to do for once
Anyway -
A ) They are really very good and
B ) It's our birthday so I am allowed to get off topic..
Enjoy and thanks thomas!
QUOTE Girls Night Out:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the Girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 am., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the damn
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got
in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!
Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh crap! cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."
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QUOTE Holiday in Wales:
Two American tourists were driving through Wales. At a little place
called Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygy
Thiadtrienusyrhafnauole they stopped for lunch. They were amazed with
the place-name, and so one of the tourists asked the waitress: "Before
we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are . . . very slowly?" The girl leaned over and
said, "Burrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiiiing."
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QUOTE Classical Music Expert
A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the
source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being
played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend
to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music
has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous
piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree
to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth
Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the
symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were
composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word
has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all
listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the
graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks
him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the
caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing"
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QUOTE Anthropologist:
An anthropologist returns home from the south seas and was regaling his
friends with amazing tales. He said that one tribe had invented palm
leaf suppositories to cure constipation. "How good are they?" his friend
asked. "Well," he replied. "With fronds like that, who needs enemas."
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QUOTE Husband and Wife:
A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband
says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.
