[PETER GUNN]

Ah jingle bells, jingle bell's and all that C - - -, the time of the year where we look forward to all those repeats of series and films they repeated last xmas and the decade before, where you ask that fateful question!!!!! and what would you like my love for xmas and she say's nothing dear, and you know she's telling porkies, as if you got her nothing you would not hear the end of it till next xmas, where you have no idea what to buy her , years ago it was something skimpy and sexy but now your looking for something the parachute regiment might use to jump out of aircraft.

You get asked what would you like for xmas dinner and you reply beans on toast is fine for me, then your told but it,s xmas and why don't we get Turkey, roast potatoes, parsnips, carrotts, brussel sprouts ( oh my god not them ) stuffing, chipolatas, streaky bacon, and you sit there thinking yep and alka seltzer , stomach pump and rennies..

Then there are cards for people who we don't keep in contact with but they sent us a card last year so we have to send them one this year, even thought you have no idea anymore who the hell they are , and of course present's!!! why like others on here there is nothing i want perhaps a Ferrari might be nice , or something i can't mention these days because it,s not PC and i would end up divorced.

Instead i dread dawn on xmas day going into the lounge where there it sits our xmas tree ah remember buying it , that was the year England won the world cup , still worn well bit tatty at the edges but so am i so we go well together, and under it are little parcels couple shaped like socks and i wonder why, i,ve got more socks that the B shop in town , so i sink into me chair and open the sideboard cupboard reach for my bottle of single malt only to find Santa's drunk it all and nicked me crisps as well.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Xmas ah xmas tis the time to discover who your true friends are the one's who don't send you a gift they had last year, to you this year, staying at the inlaws full after dinner and wondering why her dad stood up for the telly at 15-00 in the afternoon, and the ludo, snakes and ladders ( board games to you under 70 ) coming out after another massive meal this time in the evening , and why do brussel sprouts work their way through you by 21-00, thank god they had a dog who took the blame.

And it does not end there then we have Boxing day where the food comes out again this time cold with pickled onions, gerkins, walnuts, red cabbage ( umm who the hell eats red cabbage ) mustard pickle , Branston , and mother in law insists you have more as you,re a big lad , so you sit there with a plate in each hand trying desperatly not to pass wind and she passes sherry yes sherry around because i,m a big lad i get a big glass, which thankfully i cannot reach as i have a plate in each hand full of food i can't eat as i have nothing to pick it up with.

Then you slide back into your chair which you know you can't get out of because you,ve put on half a stone since dinner , and then it,s xmas telly time , and you can't escape Aunties to the right of you Uncles to the left of you and a wife opposite who is mouthing , don't you dare, and then the Morecome & Wise xmas show from 1973 comes on , and Auntie says you looked like that you know trim flared trousers nice brown hair , yes Auntie i did 40 years ago.

So there i sit with eyes pleading please can i go home to the wife opposite who has just said , it,s ok mum were in no rush to go, we can stay to midnight , so with a heavy heart i listen to Uncle snoring to the left of me , while the ladies discuss what the missues was like when she was 5 at xmas, oh yes cannot beat a family xmas

 

[PETER GUNN]

All the earlier talk about snow reminded me of a time long when i was travelling home along the A12 in my Anglia 105E it must have been 1967, it,s still vivid in my mind it was snowing really snowing driving into the windscreen as i crawled along at snails place , not that many cars on the road in those days just this one set of tyre tracks in front of me which i was trying to follow as i wiped the inside of the steamed up screen .

Just outside a place called Hutton there is a rise in the road up to Brentwood and the car just ran out of traction, so i sat there obviously no wireless to listen to no mobile phones in those days just me it seemed, but in those days we were prepared in the boot a shovel and a blanket , wellie boots and a box of candles with matches , so i cleared the snow around the front of the car and it still would not climb this slope , so i took the rug i bought earlier from inside the car i was taking home to put in the lounge and put it in front of the back wheels got in the car started it up and the tyres gripped and i just kept going eventually getting home just before midnight .

My young wife of just 2 years opened the door and said words i will never forget standing there as i was looking like frosty the snowman complete with red nose, ooo it looks nasty out there, yes my love it is, did you manage to get the rug ok, yes dear, is it in the boot, well it was my dear but it,s somewhere near Hutton on the A12 now.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Had a strange experiance this morning , went into a supermarket , nothing strange in that , did a bit of shopping , nothing strange in that, got to the till's and a queue had formed, nothing strange in that.

Then a young lady walked down the queue and said sorry we cannot accept card's the machine is not working, well sometines that happens so not really strange, but in her next sentance which was , but we can take cash, something strange happened i appeared to be the only one who still uses cash, so i marched past all these people Having a right go about it and went straight up to the till with people muttering where the hell is he going , had my goods rung up presented the assistant with 2 nice 20's and a tenner, wished her merry xmas and walked out to my car with a big grin on my face.

 

[PETER GUNN]

The return of the return , or as i shall call it the saga of the toaster , just before xmas a new toaster was bought from a large supplier so thought xmas day will use the new toaster so plugged it in and nothing happened , checked what i could, you know making sure it wasn't a twit moment well it wasn't so thought as you do i'll take it back .

Left it a few days for things to calm down and sauntered into this large shop, spoke to a very nice lady and explained to her about the toaster, she redirected me to the inquiry desk and another very nice lady was there told her the same thing as i told the other lady .

This lady wanted to know more and got the toaster out of the box and said, so it,s not working sir , no it,s not, have you any idea why it,s not , no i haven't it,s just not working, then she asked me to wait a moment .

Then a very nice young lad came over and for the third time i said the same thing as i had said to the other members of staff and he said that's strange sir never had a problem with this make before, any idea why it,s not working, no sorry it,s just not working, when you plugged it in did it work, no it didn't , not at all sir, no it didn't , oh come with me sir so i followed him over to another counter and he explained to this older man what my problem was, and he said sorry to hear the toaster isn't working sir, any idea why it,s not, no it,s just not working, oh dear that's not right , would sir like a replacement or a refund , i said a replacement please as i have no toaster, that's ok sir i'll get you one just wait here , so i waited for 10 minutes.

Along came another lady clutching a box with a brand new toaster in and apologised for the delay and presented me with the toaster, Friday morning i put 4 slices of bread in my brand new toaster and nothing happened.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Hahahahaha has anyone tried to tell the better half to Shake Rattle and Roll and get out to that kitchen and rattle those pots and pans in todays world , like Bill Haley did in the late 50,s , a song is a song some you like some you don't , and how about Chuck's little Queenie , tell me who,s the queen standing over by the record machine, today you could upseT many in the pc world including her majesty , god i need a large one , oh better explain in case somebody thinks it means something it ain't .

A DRINK.

 

[PETER GUNN]

There are a few terms i use for some drivers i have met over the years , most i cannot use here because they will be

, but a tamer one is prat, met a prat driver in the car park at a well known local supermarket as i was trying to find a space , i drive a old Fiesta mainly because it's easy to park anywhere , spied a space and turned towards it , as i did the following happened.

A BMW 5 series nearly chopped my nose of to get in that parking space , now i don't do road rage just sat there and watched this prat drive into the space which i knew looking at it was not really big enough for that car, but prat didn't so he got in then could not get out of his car either side , so what does prat do starts playing the game of shunt he tried to get close to the car on his left , could not get out then to the right could not get out , went forward could not get out .

By this time there were a few bermused shoppers watching this prat , so in fury he reversed with tyre's smoking into a trolly with shopping in , obviously knocking it over then pulled forward and hit the car in the bay to his right.

Things then got interesting as prat decided to get out of his car , not to help the lady whose shopping was over the tarmac but to start waving his arms about and started shouting , at this point i had a decision to make do i get out of my car and go and assist luckily i did not have to as other people had by now gathered including the chap who,s car prat had hit .

Behind me there were other cars waiting to get past , and low and behold up came two security men , one was built like the preverbial S house door , now prat started having a go at them at the same time as the lady whose shopping was all over the deck was having a go at him as well as the chap who,s car prat had hit , and it got even better prat took a swing at the S house door , who did not respond as all of a sudden you could hear the siren coming and into the car park the wrong way came the blue's and two,s in fact 2 cars .

Now there was a heated discussion it seemed between everybody as prat was now arging with the police , not a wise move , by this time the cars had reversed behind me and i thought bugger this time to get out of here , as i reversed my last thoughts as i looked at the mele was blimey i only came out to get bread and milk and why did i have to arrive at the same time as king prat.

 

[PETER GUNN]

I came across a protestor a couple of weeks ago on my way through London, or shall i say a couple of thousand of them , now i support saving the planet do my recycling sort everything into little boxes some of which are slung into a refuse vehicle together often wonder if there are little men sitting in there resorting what i had already sorted.

Anywy there was this very nice gentleman with a banner that said , save our world for the future generation , and having nothing to do we started chatting asked him have you come far he said from Aylesbury , i asked did you walk he said no we came by car, so i said but your polluting the planet , then i said i presume you don't use electric and gas then as they pollute the planet, and i suppose you don't eat imported food as the air miles are polluting the planet you don't buy anything made in China, India or the USA as your increasing the pollution by wanting to buy what you want to buy a bit cheaper even though it,s adding pollution to the planet .

He looked at me and said you don't understand were tyring to save the planet for your children, i replied i don't have any children so as to not add more pollution to the planet , he just walked away shaking his head , while i stood there watching thousands of people adding pollution to the planet walk past.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Ah the mobile phone , i have a Doro sort of ideal for people like me ( fossil ) just make or receive the odd call, horror of horrors no apps on it , never used the soppy camera just for me to use in emergencies , but i have a bad habit stick it in my pocket off, as i,m going out driving and want to concentrate on those burkes out there driving around on the B phone who don't appear to see anything at all , then i pick up a bit of shopping and it,s still in my pocket off, drive back home and it,s still off as i,m driving , getting indoors put the off phone back in the drawer for a ride out next time, it,s pay as you go last time i put a tenner on it was last February quite cheap actually to run

 

[PETER GUNN]

Cornwall for me Gus spent many a happy holiday there especially out of season staying at our friends place just above Praa Sands and my memories are of walking along the coast top in a high wind seeing the sea below us crashing onto the rocks the salt air stinging your face and at the end of the walk the lights of The Victoria Inn at Perranuthnoe glinting and getting bigger as you approached it .

Entering the bar to a smokey atmosphere a raging log fire , hearing the chat going on all round you and the landlord saying and what will yours be me luver, two light and bitter was always my reply and 2 of them pork scratchins, that was nigh on 30 years , now at the age of 75 i doubt if i will ever see it again , and i suppose like everything else in life it will have changed, i doubt like most things now not for the better.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Good lord a Cornish Man , and slot cars in Cornwall, is there still a pub down there with a veranda overlooking the sands , spent many a happy time on that veranda with a cold beer watching the missus and our friends enjoying sand in places i had better not mention here , in those days there was no speed limit along that top road , Jan our friend had a Ford Corsair and i had a Cortina 1600 E and we used to open them up coming down the hill along that stretch of road hitting the brakes just before a garage on the left hand side , is the Coach and Horses still there as you leave Newtown heading towards Penzance spent 26 consecutive years down there on holidays, ah great memories of kinder days .

 

[PETER GUNN]

How often now do any of us use a signature , at one time when i received a package or a parcel i had to sign for it so my signature was legible , but today in this computerised bubble we live in, they shove a hand held device in front of you with a plastic stick attached which won't sign on the little screen, so the next word of wisdom is, thst's ok mate just use your finger and the screen only picks up half of your now scribble , or the other word of wisdom is that's ok mate just scribble something .

Then later you get a message by E mail which tells me my parcel has been delivered and it was signed by and there is this scribble which i can't read as my signature , perhaps Yogi Bear could.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Ah xmas time Trisha where the shops ( that are left ) are full of tat, where the assistants wear hats with antlers, green and red one's with bell's on trying to look happy as they spend all day listening to Jingle Bell's over and over again, where some tubby ole geezer in a red suit goes ho ho ho little boy would you like to sit on santa's knee and tell him what you want for xmas, i normally say no to that invitation.

Where the neighbours try to outdo each other in xmas lights, we have red , white, blue, green, flashing , animal shaped , strings of them hanging from the gutters , reminds me of a certain street in Cairo.

Where all the ads are for tables loaded with things that make Auntie Flo pass wind all evening, and Uncle Bert who always says no i shouldn't to the third helping of xmas pud and then joins Auntie Flo in the wind section , where the telly is on with all the repeats upon repeats of xmas shows from the dawn of television, that most of my relatives seemed to remember , god bless them , where the log fire spits out embers onto the dog laying in front of it, after it,s plate of turkey joining in with the wind section and smouldering at the same time .

Where the xmas tree has started to wilt in the heat and drops prickles on anything or anyone who goes near it , yep Trisha it,s that time of year again.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Been getting scam BT's for ages , but recently get Amazon one's , you can tell it,s a auto voice normally sounds like far east accent telling me there is a problem with my Amazon account which i don't have and never have had so i just put the phone down , and wait for another one to arrive , seems there is nothing you can do about it , part of todays CRAPPY world .

 

[PETER GUNN]

Need help i try so hard to miss all the crap that's being spoken about climate change , now i,m ancient and seen a few years roll by and i must say , fings ain't what they used to be climates changing , chap on the box doesn't want cows because they fart and pollute the atmosphere , same chap doesn't want us to eat meat , instead eat plants and grasses, so instead of the cows farting and pollute the atmosphere it will be us farting and polluting the atmosphere.

Another thing i don't get same chap doesn't want us to fly , well i don't anyway but he also wants us to use electric cars , now electric cars use electric which is generated at a power station, the countryside is dug up to build a power station, make roads to power station and all the other bits and pieces , so that uses power to do it , but if we don't have the power in the first place how do you do that.

Now i was getting interested when he said we need to go back to nature , so i had this vision of thousands of people all nudie trying to go to work on trains that didn't exist to jobs that were not there, so are we heading back in time when we make our clothes out of animal skin , but that chap doesn't want animals so how the hell do we do anything .

And the worst thing of all my whisky won't be here as we won't be able to have bottles , or distill it and all the bloody people would have eaten all the barley and grain as we can't eat meat .

 

[PETER GUNN]

Thought of the day perhaps , while the world's media focuses on the exploits of a couple called Megan and Harry, let's not forget about those friends, relations who live in a place called OZ, instead of a couple of privilaged people who jet between Canada and the UK, at everyone elses expense. .

Let us not forget about real people around the world , last night i spoke to a friend down under and even though the worlds media has moved on they are still in serious bother , still loosing lives, many parts people are having trouble breathing with the smoke , it,s not only fire that kills, loosing homes, livings, habitat, and their wildlife

So i raised a glass of the amber liquid last night to them all in their continuing fight to save all that they hold dear to their lives.

 

[PETER GUNN]

Must be a woman involved somewhere, i cannot leave any thing out without it dissapearing .

 

[PETER GUNN]

I like the word legend when some overpaid idiot of a presenter talks about a 23 year old twit as a legend in his own lifetime .

 

[PETER GUNN]

I quite like that sentance i keep hearing ,it is the will of the people, what the hell is the will of the people , can someone explain 1 what is it and 2 why do politicians ignore it.

 

[PETER GUNN]

THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE . Well round here we would like out street lights to be back on when it,s dark, so you don't run pedestrians over staggering back from the pub, swerving to miss animal you used to be able to see but you can't now until it's to late, hit cars parked on a unlit road, or drive down bloody big holes as no one puts lights on the road works anymore.

THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. Can we have our refuse collected once a week again , like it was up to recently , when our streets were clean, bedding was not dumped in the hedgrows, and garbage was not all over the pavements.

THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE . Can our local bus route run the last bus 15 minutes after the cinema closes not 15 minutes before it does.

All of this and much more is the will of the people , but no B listens , to the will of the people